i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
