oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
