i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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