Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
