franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
