Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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