Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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