Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
foreskin is a definite game changer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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