I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
