I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
