Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
