i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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