why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
