Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
