I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
