what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
