To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
as a side note pls kill me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
