the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
