I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
