my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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