It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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