vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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