He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
