They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
