I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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