Do you still have your period?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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