no, he came in my armpit
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I need a beard to bite.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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