and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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