it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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