Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
