I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
