So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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