WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
