I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
