so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
