Yo dont text me then not text me
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
