Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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