Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
false alarm. still invincible.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
