guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
