Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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