Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
