3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
