You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
