I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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