Michael Bay diarrhea
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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