Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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