i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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