Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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