Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
