There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
