I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
